Mud Pies
By Amy Kidd
Race performance.
Some days I am determined to fight the good fight of faith. It’s as if I am on a track and I am sprinting for God, doing my best to win His approval and run my race with endurance. I run really hard so he will be proud of me and the pleasure of knowing maybe loves me more. Also sifting through my motives is this idea that maybe if I please him “enough” He will crown me with the desires of my heart. It’s in the scriptures right? “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 I got that one down! With this type of thinking comes a nagging in my soul. What a tiresome journey this will be if I have to sprint so much. Have you tried sprinting for a long time? It’s painful and I am not sure it was ever meant to be a sport. It was probably designed to out run a bear but certainly not something you should try to do for any length of time. Would I really want to be in a relationship where everything depended on my doing the very best for Him everyday?
It is taking time and a lot of work on my part to cooperate with the Holy Spirit and allow Him to rearrange my thinking. The years of brainwashing and the message, “Do this and don’t do that” from many pulpits has left a scar of performance etched deep into the heart of many believers. According to the bible God never intended for us to feel condemned. In fact, Paul said, “There is now therefore NO condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.” He says ‘now’ because after Christ died on the cross for our sin and rose again, those who believe in His deity are forgiven-completely. This false theology indoctrinated within the Christian heart paints a picture of a God watching every move we make, ready to pounce us at the first mistake. All the while, scripture paints a very different picture. Christ, his person and sacrificial death demonstrated for us how God loves us. The bible tells us about a God who loved us first, while we were still in our sin. He is the one who bore our pain and suffering so we would not have to. It’s a gospel full of stories about the kind of Father God truly is. Yes He is holy, just and to be feared; but we must rest assured that if we do feel His wrath and chastisement, it flows from a heart of a perfectly loving Father. Our discipline is for our ultimate good.
He is the One watching the horizon for his prodigal sons and daughters; praying daily for our safe return despite how long we have left His side to pursue what we deem is best and what will immediately satisfy our flesh. We must not forget that we have an enemy that is against us as well. Our battle is not against one another but against principalities, powers and dominions in the spiritual realm. One of Satan’s best tricks is to make us hate one another instead of seeing the deeper root of sin that invades our world. The enemy is always at work; doing his best to carry with him just enough light to make his case look appealing. The little bit of false light creates an atmosphere that lures us in and once caught in his trap, robs us of a life Christ offers. Wisdom is replaced by “just do it” mentalities and “have it your way” philosophies. All the while these mediocre ways of living and temporary fulfillments are completely destroying the foundation we could have our lives built upon. As C.S. Lewis says, “It’s as if we are children making mud pies by the shore side when God has offered us a holiday at sea.” Trust me, I am preaching to the choir on this one. Why God has given me the ability to place on paper the very truths from His word and yet I struggle to fulfill them myself is again a mystery to me. And yet it points itself once again to a God who alone is wise and a student who has taken a few lessons and is constantly learning. I might be able to play a piece of the music on my flute per say, but He is the entire orchestra and creates the music itself. I just get to play a part. But every time I get close to His presence and hear the music, it is a symphony of beauty; the kind of music that moves my soul like none other. I have felt the love of a man before, but nothing has ever saturated my being and filled my cup like Christ can and does when I seek Him. He is always ready and willing to take us back to Himself. Why I ever leave His side I do not know.
As I said at the beginning, I am a sprinter. I am a perfectionist at heart and so I feel I must do it well or not do it at all. This creates a woman who throws in the towel some days because she has already compromised while other days began with coffee, bible in hand and much prayer so that I am feeling oh so “very spiritual” and ready to sprint! The problem with sprinting is that if you are prone to falling, it really hurts when you do! Talk about falling flat on your face when you feel you have it all together. I am learning that this journey is not a sprint and the terrain is certainly not flat like a track on a field. Throughout my spiritual times of sprinting, I have realized that this thing is really a walk. Maybe even a crawl. It’s a terrain that looks more like an uphill trail among rocks and tree roots ready to trip you. There are beasts that come out at night to haunt you and yet at mid day you can behold some of the most beautiful scenery as the sun cracks itself through the tress and reflects off the water streaming below. Oh, and did I mention, you carry ALL of your stuff on your back on this journey as well. But is that not why Christ came? To help us carry our load? Christ Jesus said, “Come ye who are weary and heavy laden and you will find rest for your souls.” If we will look for Him we are promised to find Him and He will carry our burdens for us so we can focus on the trail before us taking one step at a time. This is definitely a step by step thing.
I love that movie “What about Bob.” It makes me laugh because the psychologist, played by Richard Dryfuss, thinks he has it all together. He is a successful author of a new book called “Baby Steps.” The purpose of the book is to aid unfortunate emotionally unstable souls to have greater stability to live out this thing called life by doing it step by step. One of his new patients is Bob. Bob is very troubled and fearful of so many things but as the movie unfolds he begins to enjoy his life and find freedom from his fears by taking these “baby steps.” Of course he ends up stalking the family of the psychologist and driving Richard Dryfuss’ character crazy. Literally crazy! In the end the whole family and community love Bob and the psychologist ends up insane. I laugh every time I watch it. But it’s so true; we have to do this life in “baby steps.” Spiritual growth is not something you arrive to one day, it is a constant dependence upon God daily and it grows much like we do from children to adults-very slowly. And you can guarantee it will at times be painful. But the price of progress far outweighs the results of a life lived in compromise and without faith. Yes the price of progress is pain. But we have an advocate in Christ Jesus who will give us the grace and strength we need to endure whatever God calls us to.
If I had my way, I would already be married and have two kids by now. I definitely want boys cause girls, well; they are just too high maintenance. No, I am only kidding. But there is something in me that just desires to see a bunch of strapping young men running around my house, wrestling, tearing things up, playing flag football and making me laugh with their newest jokes. That is what I want; a family. I desire a man to love on all my life and children who look like us. But God has not allowed it to happen that way thus far. I am 28 and there is no sign of real romantic love, but I have to believe that there is a purpose in my pain that is going to far outweigh the story I could write. Through not having things my way, falling on my face and growing in my faith; I am daily reaping testimonies of His faithfulness. As the song says, He keeps “proving Himself ore and ore.” We serve a loving, forgiving God who longs to be gracious to us. Will you just let that soak in aside from your performance today? I even dare you to say out loud to Him, “You love me God.” I think He’ll agree.
Copyright © March 2008 – Amy Kidd. All rights reserved.
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